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Monday, October 24, 2005

Have you ever seen a chunk of cigar sitting in the parking lot after a good rain?

It looks a lot like poo.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

My balls are swollen like a motherfucker right now.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Man, that first Jimmy Eat World CD changed my life.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

How come my farts only smell bad when I'm at work?

Sunday, January 09, 2005

A person once told me to never drink alcohol within 24 hours of eating pizza. That person is a fucking moron.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Today at lunch one of my delicious Wendy's chicken nuggets was shaped exactly like the state of Louisiana. I meant to save it but I ate it and now it's gone forever.

Friday, November 26, 2004

You ever take a piss and your pee smells like Sugar Smacks? My piss smelled like Sugar Smacks yesterday and I haven't eaten Sugar Smacks in like five years. That's pretty freaky. I think I'm gonna go buy some Sugar Smacks today.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

The coolest people I know pee in the shower.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

I thought I saw Dat Nguyen at Kroger the other night, but it was just some white dude.

I think I might need glasses.

Monday, September 13, 2004

I'm really glad that I was born with depth perception, or at least if I wasn't born with it, I developed it at some point in life, because without it I'd have a hell of a time lighting my cigarettes.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

I left my vitamins in my car in the heat and now they smell really bad.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

I just knocked a bug out of mid-air with my own spit.

That is by far the coolest thing to happen to me in like at least two hours.

Monday, July 26, 2004

I'm prairie-doggin like a muthafucka right now.

Friday, July 23, 2004

My right foot has been half asleep for two months now. I don't think that can be too good.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

I keep having this re-occuring dream where this fat girl is massaging my feet while I lay on a futon. I think this means that I need to do laundry.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Last night I entered a wet t-shirt contest but I didn't win.

I think the judges were racist.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Earlier it was cloudy outside. Right now it is raining, but it is still cloudy. The two states of cloudiness and raininess are co-existing in a blissful meteorological union.

Monday, June 28, 2004

I checked the calendar today, and it's already June 28th. Somehow amidst a chaotic month of meth and prostitutes I missed Juneteenth....

Tonight I will party with black people.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Today when I was outside smoking, I noticed that a small bug had landed in my styrofoam cup of Mountain Dew, but I drank it anyway.

Yeah, I guess I was feeling a little lazy, but more importantly I was very thirsty.

Saturday, May 29, 2004

Every time I see my Asian neighbors, I hear William Hung in my head.

Friday, May 28, 2004

Man, I hate spiders. They think they're all cool with their webs and stuff. They're not that cool.

Monday, May 24, 2004

I hate it when someone asks me if I had a good weekend and I really can't remember.

Friday, May 21, 2004

My life would be so much easier right now if I didn't have Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent" stuck in my head.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

The worst part about jail is that there's no internet access.

Monday, May 17, 2004

I really really wanna wear my thick long sleeve shirt out tonight, but it's gonna be warm outside.

Life is full of such tough decisions.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Yesserday I saw this dude mixing cement, so I was all "Hey, whatcha doin?", and he was all "mixin' cement", and I was all "huh", and he was all "mixin' cement, dude", and I was like "that's not what I asked you", and he was all "yeah it was".

Now that I look back on it, he was right. I feel sorry for him. He was Mexican.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Staring directly at the sun for long periods of time really hurts my eyes.

Hey, I'm only human.

Monday, May 10, 2004

I thought that Van Helsing was a pretty shitty movie till I heard that it's based on a true story.

Sunday, May 02, 2004

Yesterday was the shit because I could fart on command.

I would have posted about it, but I was too excited.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Tonight I learned that Guaifenesin makes me throw up.

Friday, April 23, 2004

Out on the road today, I saw a Black Flag sticker on a Cadillac.

Okay, I didn't really. I just thought it would sound cool. Now that I look back I realize that it didn't sound cool at all, in fact it sounded pretty gay.

Sorry.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Today I learned that ketchup is not flammable.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

I've eaten Taco Bell and/or Taco Bueno for about 20 days straight now.

My farts smell like burritos.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

The lady who cut my hair yesterday was wearing bowling shoes. That's just fucking weird.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

"The early bird gets the worm." --- What a bunch of doo-doo. I just saw a bird eating some left-over cheeseburger, and it's after one p.m.

That bird could've slept in till noon, putzed around, and still gotten a good meal.

And fuck worms, anyway. I'd much rather have a cheeseburger.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

I don't have to work tomorrow, and I keep thinking that today is Friday.

That's probably because I don't have to work tomorrow.

No matter how it feels, today is not Friday, it is Wednesday.

I am very sure of this.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

My waters represent all black people in my immediate area code.

This means my skin lotion smells like cheese, and it can relieve your worst migranes.

The more i drink, the more i drink, and then i drink more.

This shit you make tastes like pooh bear with a side of television, but the masses want more.

Give them more, give them more, give them more, your mom is a whore.

And I ran.

I ran so far away.


Sunday, February 29, 2004

One year ago today was the year 2000.

Wow, that's deep, man...

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Today I went to light a cigarette and I didn't notice that there was a piece of lint on my lighter. The lint caught on fire.

The lint burned out without causing any major damage. I am not an arsonist.

I am a firestarter. A twisted firestarter.

Monday, February 23, 2004

Today at lunch I had spicy chicken with rice soup. And I ate it with a bunch of crackers.

And when I say crackers, I mean that I put crushed up saltines in my soup.

I was, however, surrounded by predominantly white peoples.

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