Random Adventures in Lameness

2005-10-24T01:17:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen a chunk of cigar sitting in the parking lot after a good rain?

It looks a lot like poo.

2005-03-09T06:29:00.000-06:00

My balls are swollen like a motherfucker right now.

2005-01-30T05:28:00.000-06:00

Man, that first Jimmy Eat World CD changed my life.

2005-01-20T15:19:00.000-06:00

How come my farts only smell bad when I'm at work?

2005-01-09T20:39:00.000-06:00

A person once told me to never drink alcohol within 24 hours of eating pizza. That person is a fucking moron.

2005-01-06T22:09:00.000-06:00

Today at lunch one of my delicious Wendy's chicken nuggets was shaped exactly like the state of Louisiana. I meant to save it but I ate it and now it's gone forever.

2004-11-26T16:26:00.000-06:00

You ever take a piss and your pee smells like Sugar Smacks? My piss smelled like Sugar Smacks yesterday and I haven't eaten Sugar Smacks in like five years. That's pretty freaky. I think I'm gonna go buy some Sugar Smacks today.

2004-10-14T23:07:00.000-05:00

The coolest people I know pee in the shower.

2004-10-02T14:15:00.000-05:00

I thought I saw Dat Nguyen at Kroger the other night, but it was just some white dude.

I think I might need glasses.

2004-09-13T11:11:00.000-05:00

I'm really glad that I was born with depth perception, or at least if I wasn't born with it, I developed it at some point in life, because without it I'd have a hell of a time lighting my cigarettes.

2004-08-04T15:51:00.000-05:00

I left my vitamins in my car in the heat and now they smell really bad.

2004-07-27T16:16:00.000-05:00

I just knocked a bug out of mid-air with my own spit.

That is by far the coolest thing to happen to me in like at least two hours.

2004-07-26T12:53:00.000-05:00

I'm prairie-doggin like a muthafucka right now.

2004-07-23T09:06:00.000-05:00

My right foot has been half asleep for two months now. I don't think that can be too good.

2004-07-15T01:04:00.000-05:00

I keep having this re-occuring dream where this fat girl is massaging my feet while I lay on a futon. I think this means that I need to do laundry.

2004-07-08T12:15:00.000-05:00

Last night I entered a wet t-shirt contest but I didn't win.

I think the judges were racist.

2004-06-29T13:11:00.000-05:00

Earlier it was cloudy outside. Right now it is raining, but it is still cloudy. The two states of cloudiness and raininess are co-existing in a blissful meteorological union.

2004-06-28T11:33:00.000-05:00

I checked the calendar today, and it's already June 28th. Somehow amidst a chaotic month of meth and prostitutes I missed Juneteenth....

Tonight I will party with black people.

2004-06-17T13:20:00.000-05:00

Today when I was outside smoking, I noticed that a small bug had landed in my styrofoam cup of Mountain Dew, but I drank it anyway.

Yeah, I guess I was feeling a little lazy, but more importantly I was very thirsty.

2004-05-29T15:15:00.000-05:00

Every time I see my Asian neighbors, I hear William Hung in my head.

2004-05-28T16:17:00.000-05:00

Man, I hate spiders. They think they're all cool with their webs and stuff. They're not that cool.

2004-05-24T11:17:00.000-05:00

I hate it when someone asks me if I had a good weekend and I really can't remember.

2004-05-21T13:38:00.000-05:00

My life would be so much easier right now if I didn't have Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent" stuck in my head.

2004-05-20T09:59:00.000-05:00

The worst part about jail is that there's no internet access.

2004-05-17T18:21:00.000-05:00

I really really wanna wear my thick long sleeve shirt out tonight, but it's gonna be warm outside.

Life is full of such tough decisions.

2004-05-15T18:34:00.000-05:00

Yesserday I saw this dude mixing cement, so I was all "Hey, whatcha doin?", and he was all "mixin' cement", and I was all "huh", and he was all "mixin' cement, dude", and I was like "that's not what I asked you", and he was all "yeah it was".

Now that I look back on it, he was right. I feel sorry for him. He was Mexican.

2004-05-12T14:08:00.000-05:00

Staring directly at the sun for long periods of time really hurts my eyes.

Hey, I'm only human.

2004-05-10T11:32:00.000-05:00

I thought that Van Helsing was a pretty shitty movie till I heard that it's based on a true story.

2004-05-02T09:24:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the shit because I could fart on command.

I would have posted about it, but I was too excited.

2004-04-28T01:55:00.000-05:00

Tonight I learned that Guaifenesin makes me throw up.

2004-04-23T12:02:00.000-05:00

Out on the road today, I saw a Black Flag sticker on a Cadillac.

Okay, I didn't really. I just thought it would sound cool. Now that I look back I realize that it didn't sound cool at all, in fact it sounded pretty gay.

Sorry.

2004-04-21T14:23:00.000-05:00

Today I learned that ketchup is not flammable.

2004-04-13T12:14:00.000-05:00

I've eaten Taco Bell and/or Taco Bueno for about 20 days straight now.

My farts smell like burritos.

2004-04-06T09:38:00.000-05:00

The lady who cut my hair yesterday was wearing bowling shoes. That's just fucking weird.

2004-03-23T13:32:00.000-06:00

"The early bird gets the worm." --- What a bunch of doo-doo. I just saw a bird eating some left-over cheeseburger, and it's after one p.m.

That bird could've slept in till noon, putzed around, and still gotten a good meal.

And fuck worms, anyway. I'd much rather have a cheeseburger.

2004-03-17T11:08:00.000-06:00

I don't have to work tomorrow, and I keep thinking that today is Friday.

That's probably because I don't have to work tomorrow.

No matter how it feels, today is not Friday, it is Wednesday.

I am very sure of this.

2004-03-02T03:06:00.000-06:00

My waters represent all black people in my immediate area code.

This means my skin lotion smells like cheese, and it can relieve your worst migranes.

The more i drink, the more i drink, and then i drink more.

This shit you make tastes like pooh bear with a side of television, but the masses want more.

Give them more, give them more, give them more, your mom is a whore.

And I ran.

I ran so far away.

2004-02-29T18:56:00.000-06:00

One year ago today was the year 2000.

Wow, that's deep, man...

2004-02-26T13:02:00.000-06:00

Today I went to light a cigarette and I didn't notice that there was a piece of lint on my lighter. The lint caught on fire.

The lint burned out without causing any major damage. I am not an arsonist.

I am a firestarter. A twisted firestarter.

2004-02-23T13:59:00.000-06:00

Today at lunch I had spicy chicken with rice soup. And I ate it with a bunch of crackers.

And when I say crackers, I mean that I put crushed up saltines in my soup.

I was, however, surrounded by predominantly white peoples.

2004-02-19T14:12:00.000-06:00

"Naomi" is "I moan" backwards.

2004-02-17T14:12:00.000-06:00

If you ever have any questions or comments regarding Lay's Potato Chips, you can always call them at 1-800-352-4477 weekdays 9:00A-4:30P Central Time.

2004-02-16T11:11:00.000-06:00

Sometimes my mom's cat eats so much, she throws up.

The cat, not my mom.

2004-02-11T20:14:00.000-06:00

Today I felt like wearing green, but I wore my black Gap sweater instead.

2004-02-09T23:20:00.000-06:00

When I woke up this morning, my arm was asleep. I waited a minute or two and it went away.

2004-02-08T15:42:00.000-06:00

My head hurts.

2004-02-02T04:43:00.000-06:00

This blog will be sooooooo lame.